


i just remember, i was lonely. - bokuaka

by Anonymous



Category: Haikyuu!!, Manga - Fandom, Volleyball - Fandom, anime - Fandom
Genre: Bokuaka - Freeform, Character Death, Gay, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Other, Sad, Sad Ending, haikyuu!! - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:14:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28011471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Today was the day where Bokuto finally wanted to tell Akaashi what he feels for him. Bokuto was since a long time in love with Akaashi, he was his dream boy. It was a party tonight, and Bokuto was finally ready for it.but..“dont know what i wanted..i have a memory...back at that partyhe was all over her...”he sits down in a empty hallway of the house“they didn’t made out..or do anything.i just remember..im lonely..”he shed a few tears“i guess im always..it’s not a problem...it’s just somethingi got used to it”he goes back into the big living room where the partys main centre is“every stranger .. makes me feel safer..and every person .. “he looks at the girl akaashi is smiling at“seems more beautiful”she was indeed very beautiful.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Kudos: 1
Collections: Bokuaka ♥





	i just remember, i was lonely. - bokuaka

**Author's Note:**

> sigh here we are, everytime i hear the song ‘i was all over her - slavia palth’ i just see bokuto in this situation :,) i honestly hate how many sad bokuaka fanfics are out there, and still im writing one myself. Sigh have fun depressed hoes 🤺🤺

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today was a special day to Bokuto, he finally wanted to tell Akaashi what he feels on the party. But sometimes life plans to don’t let everything go as it’s planned. Bokuto had to find that out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m breaking my own heart with this tbh. But yeah another Bokuaka sad fanfic here we go. I’m sorry.

Bokuto knew today was a special day , it was a party at Kuroos house. Kuroo, one of his best friends was the only one knowing that he loves Akaashi. Bokuto wanted to tell him that finally today. He was so nervous. Bokuto didn’t even knew what to wear but gladly Kuroo does know his best friend.

*call from Kuroo*  
of course he accepts it  
“Kuroo? THANK GOD”

the other male just sighed

“You don’t know what to wear to the party, do you?” He had a little smile on his face knowing Bokuto is just not the type of guy who knows fashion sense, at least he thought so.

“What? Of course i do...” he paused for a moment “KUROO HELP ME”

Kuroo laughed “Well airhead just get a white shirt and black pants. Wear the shoes we got you last week for the party. And at least for today don’t style your hair up, got it?”

“What? Not styling my hair?” Bokuto sighed knowing Kuroo was right this time

“You Heard me” the black haired male stares at his bedroom floor sitting on his bed  
“And now I also need to get ready”

“And when are you going to tell Kenma that you like hi-“

“WHAT NEVER” Kuroo yelled into the phone

The owl haired teenager just sighed into the phone and hung up the call, I mean he has way more important stuff to do now right? 

“AHHHHHHHH” he yelled while looking into the Mirror. “I can’t just let my hair be down right? That looks so dumb on me..” he sighed knowing he gonna let it stay like that now anyway. He was now ready to go to the party. If he wouldn’t have forget one thing.

*call from future boyfriend*  
“Maybe I should change his name back” He was for a moment in his thoughts till he accepts the call.

“AKAASHIII”  
“Bokuto-san, I’m ready”  
“Huh?” He was confused , didn’t they made out to meet at the party?

“Didn’t you told me to call when I’m ready so you can pick me up?” The black haired boy knew Bokuto would forget something like that, but that’s just how Bokuto is. 

“OH YEAH, I’m on my way alright ? I just finished with getting ready too” Why did he told Akaashi again he would go and pick him up? Well that doesn’t matter anymore anyway. 

“I’m waiting outside of my house, Bokuto-san” As he hung up the call

“Okay well.. Akaashi-.. Akaashi? Hel-“ He sighed “He hung already up” Well he needed go to now anyway or otherwise he would be late.

The party Kuroo made was for all the teams and there friends, since it’s his 3 and last year he wanted to make something special. Well and that worked. Many people are already on there way to the party , being excited. And so is Bokuto but not to forget he wanted to tell Akaashi something important today. 

Bokuto walked out of his house on his way to pick up Akaashi. Gladly they didn’t live far away from each other, just a few streets. Bokuto over and over played in his head the scenario how he tells Akaashi how he feels. What if he doesn’t feel the same? What if he is straight? What if he gonna break there friendships because of this..

“Bokuto-san” someone said from behind him  
“HUH” he got scared for a moment till he turned around and saw..  
“Akaashi!” He smiled and walked to him.  
“Hey hey hey, don’t scare me like that!” He went to hug him, he loves it. And Akaashi hugged him back.  
“You where walking past me and didn’t even saw me. What where you thinking about? Looked like you where drowning in your thoughts.”  
Bokuto swallowed hard thinking for a moment what to tell him. Does he gonna tell him now? No! He wanted to tell him in Kuroos garden like it was planned when the stars are out at the sky. The sun is currently slowly going down.  
“Ah you know that’s my first party! I’m just so excited but also... nervous.” He thinks this was good enough to tell him.  
“I get that Bokuto-san, but it gonna turn out fine.” He gave him a little smile and nod. He didn’t know what a feeling this little smile gave the boy in front of him. His heart started to beat fast.  
“Y-Your right Akaashi, now lets go!!” He started to continue walking pretty fast, not wanting Akaashi to see what his smile does to him. He could melt everytime. 

“Bokuto-san” Akaashi started to talk after a few minutes of walking to Kuroos house.  
“Why is your hair not up today?”

“Oh” he thought for a moment about it. “You know, I just thought it would look good for today” He sighed being way to nervous at this point. 

“Oh I see, I like you with your hair down.” The black haired male said this really calm while he walks beside Bokuto.

Bokuto couldn’t stop himself from getting a big smile on his face. Maybe he stops putting his hair now up. “Oh really? Thank you Akaashi” he said that way more calm then he was inside of him. He didn’t thought he could play it cool like that but it’s probably for the best. 

A few moments later they both arrived in front of Kuroos house, the music was already loud and lights where everywhere.

“That is much even for him” Akaashi said sighing looking at the house.

“Well I’m not surprised I would do the same you know” They both walked to the door and Bokuto ringed the door bell. After a moment someone opened the door, and it was Kuroo.

“Hey Bokuto & Akaashi , come in” Kuroo opened the door now completely waiting for both to get in and that’s what they both do.  
“So nearly everyone is here now, take a drink & have fun” Kuroo said that after hugging both of them, then he left going back to his team

“Well then” Akaashi walked into the kitchen getting himself and Bokuto a drink. Bokuto walked after him. “Here” Akaashi gave him his drink.

“Thank you, Akaashi” he took a sip from his drink and looked around. Mostly every known team is here. Karasuno, Nekoma, Shiratorizawa... as he saw a drunk Ushijima walking around searching for Tendou.. weird.. Then there is also Inarizaki, Aoba Johsai.. and a drunk Oikawa dancing on the table while Iwaizumi looks disappointed at him? Well alcohol gets truly the.. ‘best?’ Out of people. Not forgetting Johzenji , Itachiyama , Date tech, & not forgetting his own school Fukurōdani. Talking about them he found them.  
“Look there are the others” Bokuto pointed at them.

“Well let’s go to them” The black haired male beside Bokuto walked to there team and so did Bokuto. 

“Hey Hey Hey” he said walking to the others. They talked for a while till Bokutos first drink was empty. He sighed  
“Hey Akaashi?” He looked at his Best friend.

“Bokuto-san? He looked at him

Bokuto saw that Akaashis drink was also getting slowly empty. “Do you want me to get us two new drinks?”

Akaashi nodded. “That would be great.”

Bokuto starred at him for a while, he should tell him very soon what he feels before he’s to drunk for that.  
“Also, when I’m back with the drinks could we maybe go outside for a moment? I wanted to talk to you... alone” He finally said it. He just hopes Akaashi wouldn’t find this weird.

“Of course Bokuto-san” He gave him one of his little smiles. They are rare but Bokuto is the person who saw them the most and he was never so happy about something else like this. 

Bokuto was about to say something but saw he drifted in his thoughts for a while seeing Akaashi was talking now with Konoha.  
He smiled softly walking back to the Kitchen.

As he saw Hinata and his team.  
“Chibi-Chan” he said smiling while walking to him.

“Bokuto!!” The first year run to him and hugged him. “Hey! How are you?”

Hinata reminds Bokuto always on himself being so energetic. As he smiled “I’m fine and you?”

“I’m great!!” He pointed at kageyama “He finally asked me out today!” 

Bokuto started to smile, he knew Hinata liked Kageyama since a while, secretly he also hopes this gonna be Akaashi and him tonight”

“I’m happy for you Chibi-chan” He truly was.

“Boke Hinata!” As Kageyama walked to them. They started to get into a longer conversation and Bokuto forget for a moment why he was even in the kitchen till he remembered it.

“Guys guys we can talk later more again, I was usually here to get Akaashi and me new drinks. I’m sure he is waiting.” He looked around and saw Sugawara searching for someone. “And so does your team for you.” As he pointed at Sugawara. They 3 said for the moment now bye and planned to talk later again. 

Bokuto got 2 drinks and was about to walk back into the living room where his team currently is. As Kuroo walked to him.

“Kuroo I don’t have time now, I need to get to Akaashi and tell hi-“

The black male looked a bit nervous at him. “Don’t go into the living room, Bokuto.”

“Why?” Bokuto looked confused at him. Is Akaashi somewhere else now? He had to agree the conversation he had with the first years from Karasuno took a while.

“Just don’t do it, Kōtarō.” Kuroo was completely serious. He didn’t wanted Bokuto to see this. Not after he knew what could happen.

“Blah blah” he got out of Kuroos grab and walked into the living room.

Kuroo sighed and itched his neck. He doesn’t want his best friend to get hurt. He knows how sensitive he is. 

While Bokuto walked into the living room and looked out for Akaashi. He saw him and was about to walk to him.  
“Akaas-..” He saw him dancing with a stranger. Akaashi was kissing her cheeks. 

Bokuto let almost the drinks fall but catches himself. “But... I..”  
He sighed. There is no way Akaashi could be already drunk so he really wanted to dance with her.  
This moment was the longest moment in his life. Everything went suddenly in slow motion, at least for him. He saw Akaashi dancing with her and it hurt him. But it’s his fault right? How could he think Akaashi would like him. Or even think there was a chance for Akaashi being not.. Straight. 

Bokuto just stood there now, watching awkwardly both of them. As the song changed.  
It was.. a song Bokuto knew very well.. he sighed and put one of the drinks on the table while he takes his drink with him.

he walked out of the living room while he was singing...  


“dont know what i wanted..  
i have a memory  
...back at that party  
he was all over her...”

he sits down in a empty hallway of the house

“they didn’t made out..  
or do anything.  
i just remember..  
im lonely..”

He shed a few tears, knowing this is really dumb but... he would never be Akaashis choice. Would he? 

“i guess im always..  
it’s not a problem.  
..it’s just something  
i got used to it”

After a while of crying and feeling dumb he goes back into the big living room where the partys main centre is

“every stranger .. makes me feel safer..  
and every person .. “  
he looks at the girl Akaashi is smiling at  
“seems more beautiful” 

She was indeed very beautiful.  
Bokuto knew Akaashi deserved only the best. And if it’s her, then it should be like that.

The time was only going slow, it pains Bokuto. He thought the time in class would only pass Slowly but.. this was something new. This was his personal Hell. It may be a bit dramatic but it truly feels like that for him currently. He still wanted to be with his team so he started to walk to them when he saw... “Oh..”  
Akaashi was kissing her, he saw him drinking now a few drinks since he was sitting all the time on the Couch and Akaashi may be a bit drunk.. but that was enough for him. He couldn’t take it. He loves Akaashi to much it truly breaks his heart. 

Kuroo and Kenma where looking at him from the other side of the room. Also Kenma knew secretly that Bokuto was in love with Akaashi. I mean who couldn’t see that? He’s all over him. Never leaves his side, tries to make him Laugh and... “oh” Kenma realised that Kuroo does the exactly same things to him, but that was a problem for later.

Kuroo sighed and knew this was not going to end good today.  
“Poor kōtarō, I tried to warn him..”

“It’s okay Kuro” Kenma sighed.  
Even Kenma became kinda sad for a moment because of that. Usually he wouldn’t be much bothered about it but.. Bokuto is also a friend of him and seeing that makes him feel some way.

Bokuto walked out into the garden. He couldn’t watch that anymore and he needed fresh air because he couldn’t breath very well since a while. It kinda hurt.

“Why me...” He sighed but started to become now finally a crying mess  
“WHY WHY WHY” he hit with his hand against the house and let out a loud sob.  
“I want Akaashi, I don’t want anyone else..”  
he broke down on the ground. “Fuck I was to late.. why didn’t I told him in front of his house. Maybe that would have changed everything”

He sighed. “Imagine finding your soulmate but your not his soulmate..”  
He laughed and cried at the same time thinking how dumb it was of thinking Akaashi could feel the same way for him. Of course he could never. Bokuto was just his weird best friend, nothing more. There will never be more.

He was sitting there now for a while, alone.. lonely. It was about to be midnight.. he wanted to tell Akaashi usually what he feels for him at that time. Well now he could cancel that.  
“Fuck..”  
His head hurts from all the crying . He wanted to get completely drunk now. To forget. He was about to stand up till he had again a coughing attack. This is happening since a few weeks. He keeps trying to forget that, but now it really hurts.. it feels like he is about to suffocate.

Suddenly he starts coughing out something, and not lying this was the worst pain he felt in a long time. He looked at his hand, something fell out of his mouth while he coughed... a flower? “W-what?”

As he heard glass falling down on the ground. He turned fast around. He saw Kuroo and broken beer bottles.

Usually Kuroos plan was to go out and comfort his best friend, thats why he had beer with him. But what he saw now wasn’t what he ever wanted to see. 

“Kōtarō...” Kuroo was shocked after that and became a few tears in his eyes.

Bokuto was confused till he realised what just happened. “Oh..”  
He started to let tears role down his face.  
“Imagine being so in love with your best friend you catch a disease for him..” He started to laugh painfully.  
He sit back down on the ground starring at the flower.

“Cmon.. there.. there are ways to get ride of it..” Kuroo tried to start a conversation.

“Get ride of what? My love for Akaashi? I will never stop loving him and if you think I would do this stupid operation to get ride of it.. then fuck you” He huffs.

A while back on a sleepover Bokuto and Kuroo watched a video about the disease, called Hanahaki. They thought it would only be a story.. a Mythos. Turns out it is hard reality. 

Kuroo goes to sit down beside Bokuto and sighed.  
“There is a other way. You have still enough time.. what if you make him fall in love with you?” He meant that seriously while Bokuto sighed disappointed.

“Kuroo, look at me. How could you fall in love with someone annoying as me?” He meant every word seriously and it broke him. 

“Don’t say that.” Kuroo became really serious now. “If I wouldn’t love Kenma so much I also could love you. Your a great men, your energy is so positive and you try to make everyone happy you see. I’m happy you are my best friend.. and please..” He started to let a loud sob out “you can’t leave me.. your my best friend please you can’t you-“  
Bokuto hugged him. He knew Kuroo had it also hard with Losing people. He lost his mother a while back.  
“I try my best Tetsurō”

Kuroo looked up at him “Pinky promise?”

“Pinky promise” Bokuto smiled painfully at him. 

“That was so selfish of me.. I’m sorry Kōtarō.. I’m really so-“  
Bokuto shut him up with another hug  
“I know that you can’t handle losing people, it’s okay neither can I Tetsurō”

They both where sitting there for a while in silence, thinking of ways to change the outgoing of this current situation.

And honestly they had no idea.. at least yet. I mean how are you gonna make your best friend fall in love with you in a few months? 

Bokuto was done for tonight, it was to much for now.  
“You know what all I want currently is to get drunk, let’s think tomorrow or in 2 days about it. I need a break”

Kuroo sighed but nodded, he could understand him, that was a lot happening today. “Sure lets go in-“ As he looked at Bokuto

“I can’t.. could you get drinks for us and I wait here?” He looked at Kuroo

“Of course.. wait here for a few minutes..” Kuroo stand up and walked back into his house to get Bokuto a few drinks. He wouldn’t drink. He had to be there now for his best friend and watch over him. It’s enough when one of them gets drunk currently.

He came back with drinks and honestly he never saw someone taking something so fast out of his hands like Bokuto snatched the drinks. He know he shouldn’t laugh but that gave him at least a little smile in his tired face.

“That aren’t enough drinks to get us both drunk Kuroo” Bokuto looked confused at him

“Its okay I’m taking care of you” he sit down beside him again while Bokuto started drinking and honestly he was fast, someone really wanted to get fast drunk here. But Kuroo understood why so he lets it happen. Since he’s there to watch over Bokuto. 

After a while Bokuto was definitely drunk. And slowly he felt that..  
“Kuroo I need to go to... the toilet” this took him a while to say it  
“Alright” he helped Bokuto up and and went inside with him. He walked him to the toilet and saw Kenma.  
“Is it okay if I go talk to Kenma a bit till you done?”  
Bokuto nodded so Kuroo left him for a moment.  
He was about to go into the bathroom till he saw Akaashi.  
He couldn’t stop himself from walking to him, he was going to the kitchen. So he did that too.  
“Bokuto-san” Akaashi was also drunk he could hear it.  
“Akaashi” Bokuto tried his best to sound normal and happy. Of course it worked, it always did.  
“This is a weird night I have to say” After that Akaashi took a sip from his new drink.  
“Why so?” Bokuto looked at him, its still the same every time he looks at him he gets this feelings he doesn’t want anymore at this point. But Akaashi was all he ever wanted at this point. He’s like a drug and Bokuto can’t get enough of him. Bokuto was giggling in his inner. The part with the Drug made even more sense after knowing he could be.. away sometime in the future. But now back to the conversation with Akaashi.

“I meet this girl, her hair was so soft.. and her smile was really pretty. Even kissed her. But she had to leave. Gladly I got her number”

Bokuto could hear his heart break in million of pieces. That wasn’t what he wanted to hear or even except to hear. Akaashi wasn’t usually a girl magnet. But tonight it seemed like it. He had to fight his tears back and it was not easy. 

“T-thats cool, I’m happy for you” honestly, he was not. Not at all. 

Akaashi smiled again one of his little rare smiles. This just hurt Bokuto more knowing they aren’t just for him. It kills him to imagine Akaashi with someone else. 

“I need to go now,.. Kuroo is waiting.”  
Akaashi nodded confused and went back to there team.  
Bokuto run out back to the garden. Puking flowers. It pains him more that Akaashi will never smile for him like that then puking flowers. He don’t understand.. isn’t it obviously that he likes Akaashi? He sighed. 

He wasn’t in the mood for anything anymore, he just wanted to leave and that’s what he does now. He knew he promised Akaashi to also go back together but if he has to see him currently one more time he doesn’t know what to do then.

Bokuto walked out of the garden, using the back door so he wouldn’t have to go through the house. He wrote Kuroo fast a message that he would leave now. For a moment he was thinking about also texting Akaashi that he’s leaving now because he feels bad. But he couldn’t risk that Akaashi would go with him. So he did simply ignore that.

After a while Bokuto arrived at home.  
It was early in the Morning but his parents where already awake since they have to go to work soon.  
“Good Morning honey” his mom said as he closed the door.  
“Morning” Bokuto said simply. He just wasn’t in the mood now to talk to them.  
“How was the party”  
He sighed “Bad” he never lied to his parents so why should he now?  
“It’s still early but come sit down with us and breakfast, then you can tell us about it.”  
His mom was lovely as ever.  
“..sure” he went to the table in the kitchen and sit down on a chair.  
“So?” His mother asked interested.  
“The person I like doesn’t likes me back” he simply said looking down at the table.  
“Aw honey I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sure you gonna find a other girl you can fall in love with.”

Oh right. He never told them..  
“I think so too.” His Dad said while nodding  
He sighed “I don’t wanna find someone else. I’m so in love..”  
His mother pat his head  
“I’m sorry Kōtarō”  
A few tears where rolling down his face  
“But I love him mom”  
His mother suddenly stopped patting him , that made Bokuto look up. First he was confused but now he understood his parents shocked face. He said ‘Him’. He never said it before. He always tried to use gender neutral things so they wouldn’t knew it’s a boy.  
He sighed. Why was he even so scared? His parents where always so supportive so why should they stop just because he also likes males? There is no reason to. 

The next thing Bokuto felt was his cheek hurting. Oh how wrong he was.  
“D-Dad?” Bokuto couldn’t think anymore, his father slapped him. His mother just sit shocked back down.  
“So you’re gay? How disgusting having someone like you in my home! You are not my son anymore!”  
This words hit Bokuto even harder then the slap. He couldn’t hold himself back anymore and started crying.  
“And now your again in one of your Emotional modes. How embarrassing for a boy. I can’t stand this anymore.”

His father stand up and just became more mad.  
“B-but I... D-dad”  
The next thing Bokuto knew was that his eye was hurting. Because his father hit him. Again.  
“You can stay in our house till you go to university since your in your last year. After that I never wanna see you here again.”

His father left the room after. His mother cried.  
Bokuto was never so hurt. Maybe about the Akaashi situation but this was something new. His own father telling him how disgusting he is and hitting him. Two times. Bokutos sobs got louder and louder till he couldn’t take it anymore and run into his Room. He jumped on his bed and started to cry. How could this day even become worse. He didn’t deserved this and he knew this... or maybe he does? Bokuto wasn’t sure anymore. It’s getting cold.  
“I want this pain to stop.. please make it stop”

His body hurt because of the disease and his heart hurts because of all the things that happened today.  
“Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop... MAKE IT STOP.” Bokuto repeated this words over and over. Crying his pillow full.  
His father yelled to make him shut up.  
“His voice makes my ears hurt..”  
He sighed. God had favourites, but he was definitely not one of them. 

He sit up in his bed having his blanket around him.  
“I’m so fucked up”  
He was secretly hoping the disease could do it already tonight. But he knew it takes a longer while and that would been usually good. But right now he is in so much pain he wishes he was... dead.  
“Why does everything have to hurt so bad...”  
He breathed heavily.  
“It hurts.”  
His mood went never that bad and dark. For everything is a start isn’t it.  
“I hope I crash and die tonight”

That where his last words till he fell crying asleep.


End file.
